Dear Drug Addict, Here's What You Leave Behind After an Overdose

As your loved one, your life is a constant worry. When we are driving alone in our car, or standing motionless in the shower, we imagine getting that phone call. We think about how we would react...what we would say, think, do. Sometimes these thoughts even bring us to tears because we know how easy they can become a reality. Every day you choose to play a game of Russian roulette with your life. You think your actions and decisions only effect you, but you're wrong. We've tried to help you. We often wonder if we're doing enough, or maybe we're trying too hard, but in the end you have to be the one to help yourself. So we wait...we wait for you to get better...we hope you get better. That's all we have...hope.

The day the phone call comes, we don't react how we imagined. It hurts more than we thought it would. First comes shock. We knew this day could come, but we weren't prepared for it. Then comes sadness. An overwhelming sadness. The thought of never seeing you again is almost unbearable, but It's not long before that sadness turns into anger and guilt.

How could you be so stupid?

God dammit, I should have answered the phone the last time you called!

How could you just leave us like that?

Why didn't I do more to help you?

I thought you were doing better, you lied to me!

How did I not see the signs?

Most overdose deaths are accidental. You weren't invincible! What did you think would happen?!

Your death becomes an embarrassment. What are we supposed to say when your second cousin Betty asks how you died? We don't want you to be remembered that way. So we'll lie. We'll say something like, we don't know yet, or just ignore them all together. You've made it our job to cover up your bull shit. You chose to live your life recklessly and now we have to pick up the pieces.

Overtime, the anger and guilt subsides, but we will still struggle to understand the why's and what if's. Every holiday and birthday will hurt. We'll have to get used to never seeing you again, or talking to you, or touching you, but we will never quite get used to you being gone.

My son and I at my mother's memorial in August 2015

So Drug Addict, please understand, whatever pain and struggles you're going through now, don't go away when you overdose. It just gets passed down to those you love. So if you care about us, even a little, get help. We aren't ready to lose you.

National Hotline for Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services: 1-800-662-HELP