Being a Step Parent is Hard

A lot of us grew up playing games like M.A.S.H. with our friends to find out what kind of house we would get when we grew up, what type of car, and how many kids we would have. We grew up day dreaming about our lives as adults. What boy/girl names we liked, and what kind of sports we wanted those kids to play. Maybe we didn’t all have these sort of day dreams as kids, but it’s definitely a subject that crossed our minds as teenagers and young adults at least once.

Being a step parent was no where in those day dreams.

We didn’t think to ourselves, “Wow, I cannot wait to grow up and marry someone who already has kids. I’ll get to miss out on their entire birthing process, the first few years of their lives, and then try to wiggle my way in and build a relationship from scratch!”

Being a Step Parent is hard.

Finding Your Place

As a step parent, finding your place and role in parenting, especially in the beginning, is hard. Is it ok for me to discipline them if they are acting out when Dad/Mom is not home? Is it my place to have the period and sex talk with my step daughter? Am I allowed to make rules about bedtime, chores, and homework?

Of course, these sorts of questions warrant a conversation with your spouse, but crossing boundaries will always be a fear for a step parent.

Fighting for That Place

Even after you’ve established your place and role in parenting these children, you’re in a constant battle to keep that role, and to be respected in your place. Have you ever tried to call your step kid’s doctor’s office or school? “Step” means nothing to them. If you’re not the parent, or legal guardian, good luck getting any information over the phone. What about when your spouse doesn’t agree with a decision you’ve made regarding the kids? Do you fight to be respected in your role, or do you remember that they aren’t really your kids, and what Dad/Mom says goes?

Ultimately, we pick and choose our battles. Sometimes we wish the world knew how much we love and care for our step kids. That we aren’t just committed to their Dad/Mom, but to them as well.

Bonding

Bonding is easy for a biological parent. You’re there when they’re conceived, they hear your voice through gestation, and you’re one of the first people they see when they open their eyes. You get to be there for their firsts, their milestones, and their life changing events. Sometimes we get lucky and our step kids are toddlers when we meet them, and bonding may come a little easier. Sometimes our step kids are school aged and/or teenagers when we met them. In these cases, bonding can be tricky. They remember when their parents were together, and seeing their Dad/Mom with someone new can hurt. This can often cause resistance, and resentment, and we don’t want them to feel like we are trying to take their other parents place.

Step parents get excited about the little things, that sometimes biological parents take for granted. Like when your 10-year-old step son tells you he loves you…just because, or when your 3-year-old step daughter comes to you first for cuddles. Those are our mini accomplishments.

My step daughter (Eliana) and I in our "matching" outfits.

Parenting can be an every day struggle. You always wonder if you’re saying or doing what’s best for your child. You want them to grow up to be happy, healthy, respectful, and successful adults. Parent…Step Parent….doesn’t matter, we all want the same things in the end.

Parents, take a moment to appreciate your spouse for being an amazing step parent. It’s not easy.

And Step Parents, remember that we may not have planned, wanted, or day dreamed about being a step parent, but we are damn sure glad it happened. Sometimes the greatest gifts in life are the gifts we never knew we wanted.